I’m a 68-year-old widow and give money to my two adult children. Am I putting my retirement at risk?
I’m a 68-year-old widow and give money to my two adult children. Am I putting my retirement at risk?
Quentin Fottrell
8 min read
“I’ve helped them several times, including $12,000 last year when they fell behind on their property taxes.” (Photo subject is a model.) – Getty Images/iStockphoto
Dear Quentin,
I have read several letters from readers in recent months who are worried about whether they can afford to retire. I have almost the opposite problem: I retired two years ago, and I can afford my own life just fine. What I can’t seem to afford is saying “no” to my children.
I’m 68, widowed and retired from a career in municipal government. I receive $2,870 a month from Social Security and $2,100 a month from my pension. I also have $310,000 in an IRA and $46,000 in savings. My house is paid off and worth about $410,000.
I have no debt other than a small balance on a home-equity line I used for some repairs. On paper, I’m doing pretty well. My monthly expenses are roughly $3,900, so I have some room for travel, home repairs and the occasional splurge. I’m not a big spender.
My daughter is 39 and has two children. She and her husband bought a house, but their mortgage jumped when they refinanced, and they’re now struggling with daycare, car payments and other expenses. I’ve helped them several times, including $12,000 for property taxes.
My son is 35 and divorced. He has a good job but has never been particularly good with money. I co-signed on his apartment lease after his divorce, and when his car broke down I gave him $8,000. More recently, he asked if I could help with a down payment on a house.
I told him I couldn’t do that. He said I had plenty of money and that he wasn’t asking me to “give up anything important.” That bothered me more than I expected. I have enough money to help them today. What I don’t know is whether I have enough money to keep doing this.
I’m healthy now, but I’m 68. Long-term care could cost a fortune. My house will eventually need a new roof and probably a new furnace. I’d like to travel while I’m still healthy enough to enjoy it. And I don’t want to become dependent on my children.
I worked for 42 years and saved because I wanted financial security in old age. I’m starting to wonder whether being financially secure means anything if I’m constantly afraid to use my own money. How much should a retired parent reasonably help adult children?
Should I give them a fixed amount each year and tell them that’s all they will get? Should I stop helping altogether? Am I being foolish by keeping hundreds of thousands of dollars invested when I could make my children’s lives easier now?
I love my children. I just don’t want to spend my retirement worrying about their finances instead of my own. Sometimes, when I have given them money, they call it a loan, but I know I’ll probably never see the money again.
You’re in pretty good financial shape, but that doesn’t mean your emergency fund should be used for your children’s emergencies. – MarketWatch illustration
Dear Family Bank,
Your beloved children are entitled to their feelings, but they are not entitled to your retirement.
If you give them a fixed amount of money every year, you won’t only be the “family bank,” you will be the “family firm” — except they get something for nothing, while you have to start thinking about whether you’ll have enough money left to enjoy your retirement years.
You’re in pretty good financial shape, but that doesn’t mean your emergency fund should be used for your children’s emergencies. You have a solid $5,000 a month as income, which pays your bills, but it doesn’t leave you a lot after your expenses. That roof repair could cost you a chunk of your savings ($10,000 or even $20,000, depending on the damage).
What’s more, your IRA is relatively modest, given that it might have to last you the next 20-plus years. With a 4% withdrawal rate, you would have $12,400 a year or $1,033 a month. That brings your monthly income to more than $6,000, which gives you more breathing room every month — but it also gives your children more leverage to hit you up for money.
The less they know about your finances, the better. Once they get wind of your required minimum distributions in your early 70s, they will come knocking again. I also sense that if you give $12,000 to one for property taxes, the other one will want thousands of dollars for something else. It’s a car today, a down payment tomorrow, and so on.
You have enough to keep you going, but you don’t have endless amounts to supplement two adults who see you as the next best thing to Western Union. Your spouse passed away, and this should be a time when you can exhale, take a trip or go on a cruise with your friends, join a sports club or go to Europe for a month without a care in the world.
Since you brought it up, you may wish to think about long-term-care insurance. AARP suggests that the optimal age to buy a long-term-care policy is between 60 and 65, and you’re only a couple of years beyond that. “This Goldilocks age range is not too young and not too old,” it says.
At your age, the premiums do start to creep up, in addition to medical tests complicating matters. Anyone could be rejected because their health or medical test results indicate a high probability of problems that might lead to a need for long-term care. A nursing-home room could cost $100,000 a year or $60,000 or more for assisted living, depending on where you live.
Taking out long-term-care insurance, however, also buys you peace of mind in addition to future-proofing your medical care. With the help of a certified financial planner, you could stress test your retirement with a variety of options. You could self-insure and set aside enough money, buy traditional long-term-care insurance, or decide upon a combination.
Saying “no” to your children is a good exercise, for them and for you. It helps you draw boundaries without being held hostage to accusations of selfishness. It’s your job to manage your own feelings. If your son and daughter throw a tantrum because they don’t get what they want, that’s OK. They’re entitled to their feelings — just not to your retirement fund.
Finally, I’m alarmed by your son’s comment that you’re not giving up anything important by giving him money in lieu of spending it on yourself. That gives me “All That Heaven Allows” vibes — the 1955 Douglas Sirk movie where the middle-aged widowed mother is gifted a color television set by her kids because they think she’ll stay home for the rest of her days.
No more explaining why you need the money you worked so hard for. Silence is the most powerful tool.
